In Praise of Awkward Moments

Overcoming cringe-worthy encounters with fewer expectations and more grace.

Mar 26, 2024

A very awkward, off-center image that explains my ENTIRE trip.

I was in NYC last week for my annual pilgrimage. I learned last year in launching BEAM that spending at least three days in the Big Apple fueled me with connections and a fire that didn’t burn out most of the year. As much as I love building a flexible business from the Pacific Northwest, I must admit that face-to-face meet-ups supercharge me.

I walked out of a week that included sick days for both kids, a doctor’s visit for a possible fractured elbow, solo parenting, and a bad case of a luteal phase dreads of “why the hell am I building a business.” What I desperately needed was a week to recharge and remind myself of the badass that I know I am, along with the importance of the work we’re doing here and at

BEAM

And if you remember my last post, often my body has different plans. By Saturday, I picked up the cough that Evie so lovingly shared. By Sunday, I muscled through a snotty nose and no voice to host friends.

On Monday, I texted Dave before I checked in 24 hrs before my flight: “I don’t think I should go.”

Friends, I did go. Was it a mistake? Probably. Everything in my body screamed about the misalignment, but I didn’t want to miss out on, what felt like, my only opportunity to have these people in the same room.

After 5 hours in the middle seat of a Boeing 737 Max (yes, I did text Dave to tell him that I love him if I get sucked out the side of the plane before take-off), I jetted from JFK to my friends’ lovely place in Tribeca. I dropped my stuff quickly and darted to

Amy Shoenthal

’s book launch party for THE SETBACK CYCLE (go order it!) and had the best impromptu extended catch-up session with my dear friend

Ruthie Ackerman

The main reason for me heading to NYC was for meetings and the Female Founder Collective conference on Thursday, which meant that I had one full day in between to catch up with friends, schedule client meetings, and do a little shopping. Did I do any of that? No. I spent the majority of the next day on my friend’s couch, staring at their luxurious living room wondering how in the hell I was going to pull myself and my very splotchy red-nosed face together the next day.

I hadn’t had this much solo time since September to focus on anything I wished. I could finish the book proposal, take myself to a nice dinner, and go see a show. Instead, I spent the day wondering why my bones ached and how to make myself stop coughing. Most of all, the dread of having to be “on” in 24 hours with all of these people I flew across the country to meet was enough to send me into a doubt spiral.

It showed me how the expectations we place on ourselves are maybe more dangerous than the ones we place on others. As the self-proclaimed “one who has it all together,” I felt insecure about what I was going to wear, how much my concealer could actually cover the remnants of dry skin from the cold (but couldn’t mask my raspy voice).

The story I was telling myself was that no one was going to take me seriously, so it may not even be worth going to this conference. I still hopped on the A train out to Industry City in the freezing cold anyway after a considerable amount of encouraging self-talk in the mirror.

You are worthy of being here.

You are safe to take up space in this moment.

What you’re building is worthwhile.

Your story is power.

Psyching myself up was the only tool I had in my toolkit. I said these mantras to myself on the train. After checking in and receiving my badge, I went straight to the bathroom to continue doing so in the mirror. I confirmed that no one else was in the bathroom before looking in the mirror and reapplying my concealer. But I wasn’t alone - Rebecca Minkoff, one of my favorite designers and co-founder of Female Founder Collective, popped right out of a bathroom stall and looked at me. I’m not sure if five seconds or five minutes passed from my humiliation. She simply gave me a sheepish smile, said hi, and then darted after washing her hands.

I sank into the sink. There goes my shot, I thought. I spent the rest of the day working overtime to combat this narrative that I was the most awkward person in the room of beautiful, powerful, put-together women.

It wasn’t until I listened to

Jessi Hempel

’s latest episode of Hello Monday with Henna Prior when I started to reframe this narrative. Check it out:

“We can’t choose our first thought, but we can slow down long enough to choose our second,” says Prior. For the person who branded herself as an awkward person, Prior gives us permission to do the same. By embracing the unique quirks that happen in our lives and lowering the expectation of perfection, we make room for magic to happen.

In a small way, I worked to reframe that moment a little bit with a sliver of space. I walked out, grabbed some coffee, and found my seat for the main stage conversations.

Was I my normal, bubbly, outgoing and kind self for the rest of the day? No, I was a subdued version of myself that was more cautious and reserved. And yet, I’ll still give myself the gold star for showing up when I wanted to run.

Here’s the deal. I am and always will be awkward. I’m a highly-sensitive empath navigating this world with a measure of bluster and missteps. I don’t have it all together, despite the story in my head from childhood that tells me that I MUST HAVE CONTROL. We can rewrite the stories we have in our heads every day. We can investigate them, flip them over, and see what truth shakes out. And we can lower our own expectations of ourselves to see that we’re good, no matter how awkward we show up.

My 3 Favorite Things:

Must buy: My new favorite Argent dress. I walked in for a colorful blazer and almost collapsed into a crying mess because nothing fit this postpartum body. Instead, Ishmael at the Crosby Street store pulled two dresses and we ended up crying together in front of the dressing room mirror. I hadn’t felt more seen.
Must Watch: A New Look on Apple TV+. It’s based on a true story of Christian Dior, Coco Chanel, and a myriad of French couture designers as they navigated WW2 and the Holocaust. Excellent writing.
Must Listen: Kelly Corrigan sat down with Jia Tolentino in her latest episode of Kelly Corrigan Wonders about a critical exploration of what it means to make meaning in today’s world and culture.