My Own Permission Slips
3 a.m. thoughts about my conversation on postpartum depression and the ways in which we move forward.
The clock in my son’s room says 3:49 am. We’ve gotten into this dance again of him waking up scared and needing one of us to put him back to sleep. It’s more of a tango - one step is the jarring sensation that he’s looming over our bed, one step back to grab my glasses while rubbing my eyes and peering at my phone. The pivot comes as we trip over a sprawled out Cosmo as I lead Brendan back upstairs to bed. Rinse, repeat. The poor guy is so scared sometimes that he stealthily makes his way downstairs, just to poke your cheek as you drool on the pillow.
These wake-ups - among other things- have sent my week into a bit of a free fall. The week started in Chicago for a work trip that I’ll gush about later. I came home late Monday night and it’s been off to the races ever since. Curriculum night at school, meetings for BEAM, releasing podcasts and recordings, a mammogram (#checkyourtatas friends), and the list goes on. I didn’t once go to the gym - that would’ve helped a ton. I was sick and doing my best to wipe everyone else’s snotty nose while eating enough protein and downing vitamin C/echinacea combos to try and fight it off. It didn’t work.
In the midst of the soccer practices and conversations about bills and more, one question kept popping up that added to the rage. Where does a woman who has an ounce of ambition get the chance to act on it, even with steady childcare/school options? (And no, I don’t really want to hear that I should take a step back and slow down to “enjoy this time.” I was of a generation who raised girls to believe they could be President, even if the social support and public opinion made that virtually impossible.)
So what did I do with my time, then? That’s a great question. I did my best to manage an onslaught of fight/flight anxiety with the mental health tools and limited time I had at my disposal. I canceled or postponed meetings. I made to-do lists and put them to the side. I napped off the excess panic as best I could. It was survival mode.
I’m not writing this to welcome the onslaught of “Oh I’m so sorry!” texts I’m likely going to receive after this hits inboxes. I’m not here to share this because I’m looking for pity or sympathy or judgment, though I’m sure to garner a little bit of each.
I’m sharing this only because I see you in the trenches. I feel the weight of it. And I’m officially declaring it okay to have days or weeks where you find the space to rest, whether it’s by choice or by force.
Maybe it’s ironic or a grand coincidence that this week’s episode of And More was with my good friend Mandy Jankus talking about the permission slips we have to give ourselves as we face grief, the unknown, and more. After we finished taping, I told her about how I was on the precipice of what felt like a big shift - both in my personal relationships and also with BEAM and my business. That growth always comes with tension, as you refine and polish and chip away at the ways you want to focus your gaze.
This week was about permission slips, both on And More with Amy Kugler and in real life. Permission for myself to sit in discomfort. Permission to do what was best for my body and sleep - not try to lift at the gym or walk it out. Permission to - gasp - ask myself what I needed in this moment because I know no one is going to ask me that question right now. (Fun fact, that’s the one question that Mandy always asks. Every single time we chat.)
I just never thought that rage and permission slips would go in the same sentence. And yet, here we are.
I’d love to know the small and big ways you’re giving yourself permission slips this week.
In the meantime, please excuse me - it’s now 5 a.m. and Evie is doing her cute, albeit early, “I wanna get up now, mama” wail.
Amy’s 3 Things
We’re resurrecting the “What I’m Watching” section from the Unscripted vault with a twist! In each edition, you’ll get five things that I’m paying attention to in the media, pop culture, and more. Let’s rock and roll my friends…
Must Listen:
sat down with Farnoosh Torabi, host of So Money with Farnoosh Torabi and author of the newly-released “A Healthy State of Panic” Check it out here. My panic is starting to lessen just by tuning in.Must Watch: Breaking The News documentary that chronicles how Emily Ramshaw, Amanda Zamora, Errin Haines, and the rest of the 19th News team built a non-profit newsroom that spotlights the stories rarely covered. (I might be a little biased since Chabeli Carrazana interviewed me for one of her first stories.) Watch the trailer here.
Must Use: I’m OBSESSED with Jones Road Beauty’s Miracle Balm in Happy Hour. I did my own makeup for a photo shoot on Monday and it was a lifesaver. Bonus: check out Emily Tisch Sussman’s interview with legend Bobbi Brown for She Pivots.
ICYMI
And More with Amy Kugler Episodes
Ep. 1: Onward and Upward - Unveiling “And More with Amy Kugler”
Ep. 2: The Stories that Change Us with Jessi Hempel
Ep. 3: The Messy Middle with Amy Shoenthal
Ep. 4: Giving Ourselves Permission with Mandy Jankus
Major Shoutouts to BEAM’s new Founding Members!
Lots of love to you, Ines Tucakovic, Susan Moore, Lindsay Scola. More to come in the next Unscripted. BEAM’s founding member campaign ends 10/31!
One Last Thought
You are doing great, my friend. If no one tells you this today, know that I see you doing amazing things.