The Border between Boundaries and Empathy
Some thoughts from a conversation with Dr. Becky Kennedy and Fair Play's Eve Rodsky
“Boundaries empower empathy. A boundary is something I choose and it requires nothing from people. It will absolutely cause others to go into distress, but that doesn’t mean I need to feel guilty. If I let others have their emotions as I set a boundary, it just means that I can then come to them with more empathy. It lets us both grow. - Dr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside.
On Sat. morning I woke up at 3:30 am - not because a kid was having a nightmare, but because I needed to catch an early flight to LA for Hello Sunshine’s Shine Away event. It was something that was a bit of a luxury, even though it would make me traverse the entire west coast. I mean, who gets to skip out of a whole day of parenting to listen to women you admire share about their ups and downs of business and life? Who gets to fly just to connect in person with friends she’s longed to meet and people she’s longed to partner with?
You know who gets to do that? The woman in the picture above.
And why does she get to do that? Well… let’s unpack that. It took a lot of work.
I used to think I was unworthy to walk into these rooms. To be honest, I did even on Saturday. The story I tell myself after decades of being in communications and working with executives is that it’s my role to help elevate the stories of others. Let’s break that down even further: I continually have to work through the narrative that says I exist to help other people shine, and that my voice is secondary to that.
When I share that out loud (or in writing), it slaps me across the face. It’s the antithesis of the advice I give others. When I say “our stories matter,” I mean it - and I often have to convince myself that I deserve it also.
And yet, on Saturday, I was there standing as Amy Kugler and Founder of BEAM. Was I speaking on stage? Not yet, and that’s ok. Just getting on the plane was a small act of putting boundaries in place so that I could show up in the world as I wanted to. It was clearing out the old story that I didn’t belong in these conversations. It was letting that go.
During the conversation on burnout with Dr. Becky Kennedy (Good Inside) and Eve Rodsky (Fair Play), I saw the toll that the old narrative took on me.
Let me backtrack for a minute and share two of my character traits:
I am ambitious. It means that I believe in hard work, but I also become incredibly impatient when I don’t see movement or growth in the things I care about.
I feel a ton of guilt when I say or do something that causes someone else to be uncomfortable.
As a result, I’m betting you can guess what’s coming next:
I’m bad at setting boundaries.
Or, maybe, it’s that I’ve defined “having boundaries” with an outdated description. To me, boundaries were wiggly. I’d state something that I need, and it would mean that someone was upset (i.e. , I’ve committed a cardinal sin.). And in that discomfort, I’d wiggle a little bit to “find a compromise for everyone,” which really meant I’d miss out. My work would get pushed to the 5am alarm or the post-bedtime hours. I’d go months before finishing a chapter in my book because the neverending to-do list of exhaustive work/house/family items would eat up my time. The challenge is, I’d be in a pit of my own distress because - shocker - I wouldn’t be aligned with my values. Courage, authenticity, and ease were nowhere to be found in those moments. Only over-generousness, anxiety, rage, and guilt.
The guilt is what stood out on Saturday. Guilt for not being at Brendan’s soccer game (as if I could teleport), and regret that I wouldn’t be able to help with an ever-increasingly mobile Evie. No lie, this girl almost started walking while I was gone.
Frankly, I was also a little frustrated at myself that I didn’t get a hotel room so that I could sleep for a solid 9 hours before heading on a plane again.
As I listened to Dr. Becky, I realized that I was on the verge of a different kind of burnout. This one was a bit deeper than what I’d encountered professionally before. What was masquerading as “guilt” was actually me living in misalignment with my values. I have set boundaries, but they often require something from another person: approval. Therefore, in the 99% of time I see someone else freaking out with that decision, I take the distress and metabolize it as my own feeling or emotion.
Boundaries are never going to be “approved” by others. They only need to be validated by my own compass. My burnout isn’t permanent, but I now see how I can set a boundary, watch others squirm a little bit, and - as Dr. Becky puts it - watch them from behind a glass wall while also showing empathy in recognizing that the feelings are challenging.
In fact, I can show up with more empathy and kindness because I don’t have the burden of holding both their feelings and my own, deciding which one to prioritize. I know that, especially as women, we’re conditioned to believe that everyone’s hopes and dreams, feelings, and realities hinge on our shoulders.
I’m here to tell you that my shoulders are not big enough to hold that weight. They’re big enough to hold my own values and empower my kids to own theirs.
This might seem mundane to you, but it’s revelatory for me. The challenge is putting it into practice - I did last night with Brendan during his 109th attempt to escape from going to bed. News flash: it worked.
Turns out that the border between boundaries and empathy really did look like a bit more of an unbreakable glass wall.
Amy’s 3 Thoughts
Back on our business with a few things we must see, read, and use.
Must Listen - double edition:
I was delighted to be on Breaking Through with Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner (Powered by Moms Rising) this week talking about BEAM and a campaign we’re about to launch. Check it out here.
Mountaintop Conversations by Allyson Felix and Wes Felix - a Saysh original podcast. Not gonna lie - I fangirled when I met Allyson in LA on Sat. Specifically listen to this convo with Naomi Osaka about motherhood, grand slams and Nike.
Must Watch: Lessons in Chemistry. Even if you haven’t read Bonnie Garmus’s best-selling book, you must watch this show. Brie Larson is exactly who I pictured to play Elizabeth Zott and it continues to be both heartwarming and thought-provoking.
Must Use: I’m playing around with to-do organizers and efficiency apps, and testing Motion. It’s a tool with built-in scheduling, and it leverages AI to keep you on task. I’ll keep you posted if I keep it past its 7-day free trial.
ICYMI
And More with Amy Kugler Episodes
Ep. 5: The Superpower of Being an Advocate with Sehreen Noor Ali - what a great conversation this week about how we show up for our children!
Ep 6: Writing her Next Chapter with Cara Cynkar.
Bring BEAM to Moms Nationwide
We’re about to gear up for two big partnership announcements soon! I can’t wait to share them with you. In the meantime, you can still support our work to change the narrative of motherhood, one shared experience at a time.
We’re extending the founding member drive to the end of the year, but you’ll get more information about it shortly!
Sending love and light, my friends.
