To Not Following Some of Our Dreams...Yet
Talking myself out of opening yet another business.
I’ve long held a dream of opening a bookstore. I hadn’t thought of it in ages, but it came back into full view last week as a neighborhood staple announced it was closing its doors.
The vision for a retail space has morphed over the years, but I remember Dave and I discussing it like new lovers do during one of our first dates at Kramers, our favorite bookstore/cafe/wine bar in Washington, DC. He always wanted a coffee shop and wine bar, I always wanted to own a bookstore that hosted events and served as a community hub. “Someday that would be fun” was our refrain.
My dream points back to the promise of “You’ve Got Mail,” the charming romcom with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks that was ubiquitous in the 1990s. The dial-up ringtone in the opening credits to launch AOL. The meet-cute/not meet-cute with their characters at the cafe with a red rose and a copy of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE. Her wistful memories of her mother twirling around her bookstore, The Shop Around the Corner. The fact that, when she closed the store, she spent time in that luxuriously spacious UWS walk-up apartment on a quiet tree-lined street and could spend months while the “hero” of the story courted her in parallel to her finding her new truth in this life pivot.
The way I still know all of the movie’s lines. The way that Meg Ryan’s character was my Carrie Bradshaw pipedream. Swoon.
Nevermind that I was in school for psychology and would end up with a career in communications. I didn’t believe I could write, much less open a business.
But that’s the thing about dreams. They don’t recognize your “phase of life” or your circumstances. Some lay dormant for years while others become flashing neon signs you can’t ignore. A majority of our dreams simmer on the backburner of life until a glimmer of your vision pops into full view and you get to reminisce what lit you up in the first place.
This is a moment for the third category.
When we moved to Seattle’s Queen Anne neighborhood in 2013, Queen Anne Avenue was the first place that felt like home. People were walking about and having great conversations over lattes in corner shops. Small businesses hung their shutters and everyone knew about the local school groups, the community volunteer opportunities, the gossip about whose dog plays well with others while on walks (or which chatty dog owners to avoid). It may seem mundane, but it was a microcosm of stability in a time of immense change. I spent a lot of time walking the top section of The Ave and passing by a relic of a former era: a video rental store.
With its two bay windows filled with life-sized movie cutouts and posters, Video Isle was a grounding force in the Queen Anne community. I didn’t own a VCR anymore - and yet - I still would walk through the aisles to see what was there if I had a few minutes. It transported me back to grad school when I saw the bank account dwindle each month and barely had enough to cover rent, but I knew I could rent a $5 movie and be entertained instead of going out to the bars. It was familiar.
Since then, the old Video Isle has had a few tenants - a non-profit consignment store and a women’s lifestyle and fashion boutique named Willa. As Willa announced it planned to close its doors in late May, I noticed the dream that was simmering again.
It got to a boil one night under a full moon when I couldn’t sleep. My mind couldn’t stop racing. What would it look like? How would I know how to stock it? Does The Ave need another wine shop? Another bookstore? Another coffee shop when one is just two doors down? How could we finance that? Who could I bring on to help plan events?
Would Evie help me run it when she’s older while Brendan points out his favorite dinosaur books to little kids?
Would they see me twirl with delight of following a dream?
I had to stop myself. It became clear in that moment that I wasn’t asking whether or not I should open a bookstore and community space. The real inquiry is: am I building a meaningful life that they’re a part of? One that they can feel pride in?
Even deeper still: Is this keeping me from the real dream - to be a writer?
With a deep breath, I cleared the Google searches for bookstore margins and retail sourcing from my phone and put it on my bedside table. Others that I admire have balanced writing and building businesses before -
has my fave bookstore in Books Are Magic, the entire crew at Elliott Bay Books and Third Place Books have my heart. If they can do it, I’m sure I could do it. But should I pursue it when the other goal is just so much more enticing?Do Dave and I have experience operating that kind of brick-and-mortar business that crosses several industries with very little margins? Hell no - he’s a scientist and I’m a writer/entrepreneur of a different variety. I’m trying to grow an ecosystem of content while he’s leading a biotech startup. We have two little children. We could cobble it together and figure it out, but putting a plan like this in motion right now would make the dream die in a blaze of glory.
For a woman with endless amounts of ambitious plans and an exceptional ability to multitask, it is a sign of growth when I process through a scenario and keep my eye focused on what is in front of me. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
Those bookstore/cafe/wine shop/community gathering space dreams will never die. We’ll just file it under “save for a rainy day.”
Amy’s 3 Things
Must listen: Les’s conversation with Mama Glow Founder Latham Thomas on Balanced Black Girl was healing. I’m going to have 46:00-57:00 on repeat. More on my thoughts from that soon. Check out the episode here.
Must read: Did I obsessively buy most of what
linked in her “Six Beauty Products I Use Each Morning” post? Yes… yes I did.Must come with me to see - Seattle edition: Do you love poetry? Come with me to see
read from her new collection INSTRUCTIONS FOR TRAVELING WEST at Elliott Bay Books on Monday, May 6 at 7pm!
What is a dream or goal you’ve had that’s been simmering in the saucepan for a while? I’d love to hear about it. Cheering you on - and lovingly supporting you as you grow and recognize some dreams get to wait. (I promise, when they do come around, it will be really good.)
Onward and Upward,
wow I loved reading this. I am cheering you on in your clarity of vision (!) while also enjoying a heavy dose of nostalgia for Video Isle and the old QA Ave. I remember walking through Video Isle as a kid, staying at the dorms during summer session at Pacific Northwest Ballet, then driving by it as an adult, past the Jamba Juice that would become my home yoga studio, to Noah’s Bagels and el Diablo. You transported me! Thanks for sharing this :)